I've Got Sunshine...

The sun is my favorite! I love the warmth that it brings! It's just so cozy! Here is Georgia we are going back and forth between cold weather and hot weather... It's driving me crazy!

Today, I walked outside barefoot because if you live in the south, that's what you do! There is no feeling that takes you back to your childhood like cold grass in between your toes! I absolutely love it! Spring and Summer bring fresh air, baseball games, un-healthy concession stand food, more sunlight, frisbee and picnics.

There were weekends as a child that my brother and I would go to my Dad's house and if I was upset (most likely because I was missing my Mom) the 2 of them would make me laugh by singing:

"Ive got sunshine on a cloudy day, when it's cold outside I've got the Month of May. I guess you'd say what can make me feel this way? My girl... Talkin' 'bout my girl. "

My birthday is in May and I honestly thought they made up the lyrics at that time so, it made me feel so special. Still when I hear this song (understanding now of course that the Temptations made it famous) it brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.

Maybe this song is why I love the sunshine, it brings a happy memory of my Dad and brother?

My brother and I used to play barefoot outside. We would stub our toes on the driveway and keep running in the grass hoping it would take the sting away. He taught me how to swing a bat, catch a ball, whistle with a blade of grass, ride my bike down a hill without wrecking and throw a punch so well that I busted his lip! Most of our fighting skills came from watching Rocky over and over. Kyle gave me protection as long as he could and helped me learn to value and take care of myself.

I sometimes lay down and gaze up at the sky while the sun rays peek through the clouds. It reminds me of the happiness and friendship my brother gave me. Have you ever stopped long enough to see the glitter cascading down the sun rays? It's almost as if God is giving a symbol of hope during our uncertain times ... and all we have to do is look up!

Just the other night, I looked into the dark sky and admired the twinkling stars. They give me the same fulness in my spirit as the sun. The endless canvas with specks of hope scattered as far as my eyes can see. Just look up... Just look up to feel God's hand at work in your life.

Today was once a sad day where I wanted to disappear and see no-one. I wanted to be alone in my sadness and pain. My heart still aches on this day, March 14th, my brothers birthday. I miss him and wish he were here to be a part of my life. Instead, this year I woke up different, I woke up feeling sad that he wasn't here but this time sadness was unaccompanied by pain, guilt or punishment. I was comforted by the fact that my grief could be present at the same time as joy. I didn't have to be bitter or unapproachable just because of my loss.

I felt the glitter from the sun descending on my spirit.

I felt the promises God delivered to me through writing. Writing a book about my grief allowed me to experience healing that I never thought possible. A tool I thought God was using me for turned out to be the very thing I needed to experience my own healing. See, I was taken by surprise because I was unaware of God's plan.. It's funny how he orchestrates those moments isn't it? My mind, heart and spirit were completely vulnerable and open to allow the words I was typing to saturate and settle.

Once I believed that because of who I was I had to be unhappy, that it was my destiny to be sad, let down and disappointed. Now, I look at life through a different lens. I am living my story happily and blessed. There are still days of doubt and uncertainty ... and days I wish I had a different past but without my past I wouldn't be where I am today. Wishing to be someone else takes my Dad, Mom and brother out of my life altogether and that is too big a sacrifice for me. The time I did have was better than no time at all.

My book was a long process for me because I grieved my way through it. Tears fell on my computer every time I began to write. Memories would flood my mind that I had completely blocked out. I found myself in the fetal position crying and pleading with God to help me have the strength to finish this project. I knew it was a direct assignment from God and I needed to do it, if for no one else than for me. The clinch my grief had on my heart and mind was near unbearable. In order to be the person God designed me to be, I had to release it's grip. It was time to move forward without this weight that defined the last 15 years of my life. Without the guilt of surviving tragedy hanging around my neck.

Not having love in your life to avoid the pain of loss is a lonely path. I may have lost the 2 men that should have been the center of my world but having them in my life for the time I did taught me more than a lifetime without them could have. I knew the kind of husband I wanted because through my father I learned what I didn't want for my children. My brother taught me what to look for in a man through all of his protective lectures. He wanted me to find a man that would put me first above everything else, keep me safe and love me without question... I definitely found that and more.

I am thankful for the sunlight today.

I am thankful for baseball today.

I am thankful for boys today. Never in a million years did I think I would be a Mom, much less a mom to boys but God surely knew what he was doing for me even if I couldn't see it. In raising these boys, it takes me back to days with Kyle and relying so much on him.

I'm sure I bugged the living daylights out of him because I wanted to be nosy and in the middle of what he was doing with his friends vs. playing with my dolls. They said I talked too much and certainly I did because I always deflected my scoldings from my Mom with "Well, let me tell you what Kyle was doing today..." As a Mom now, I try not to laugh when my youngest pulls the same trick!

I didn't think I wanted to be a Mom because I was afraid of loss. Looking back to that mindset and where I am now, I thank God for working in my life. Had I not let go of that fear, I wouldn't have the joy that I experience everyday as a Mother. My boys bring me great pleasure and some days great frustration but they are mine. I can see so much of my brother in each of them which swells my heart. He would love them so much and at times that pains me deeply because I think of the love, friendship, encouragement and loyalty they would have in him.

Today, I'm going to take my boys to the ball field and play catch. I am going to be present with them and never forget they are the thing God gave me to keep Kyle alive in my heart. I am going to embrace the sunshine God has blessed me with. I'm going to tell my boys stories about their uncle. We usually end up laughing when we talk about him because he was a funny, compassionate, loyal and loving person. Circumstances revolving around his life can sometimes make people think the worst of him but he was a truly good person and had the biggest heart of anyone I knew. Life can bring influences, good and bad and unfortunately the bad ones hovered over him through his molding teenage years. When my boys ask questions about him, as they so often do, I always tell them he made bad choice but he was a good person. I miss him with all my heart and I will spend the rest of my life sharing our story, his and mine to help anyone I can. His love of baseball already lives on in his nephews and they will know him well!

Thank you for loving me, pushing me, encouraging me and protecting me big brother. Be at peace knowing that I have sunshine on this cloudy day and I have 3 boys to sing "My Girl" to me now.

XO - Nina (a nickname that only my Dad & brother used)